I'll be home for Christmas, you can count on me...

When I left home in August, I wasn't planning to be back for Christmas. Actually I was kind of hoping that I wouldn't have to come back at all. Not because I hate home or anything, there's just so much to see out there and I want to see as much of it as I possibly can. But plans change. Life happens. So now I'm sitting in a hotel room in San Pedro Sula anxiously awaiting the arrival of the shuttle that will take me to the airport.

I don't think it's any surprise to anyone that I wasn't all too happy about this decision when I first made it, but I've come to terms with it. Like I said, life happens. Sometimes that means that things are thrown your way that you'd really rather not face. Those things still have to be faced. You can't run away forever. So I'm not going to run, I'm going to deal with everything so that I can eventually be healthier and ready to take on whatever life my send my way next.

Sure, I'm not exactly following the path I thought or hoped I would, but that doesn't mean it's the wrong one. I've learned quite a bit on this journey and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I got to spend 4 months teaching some amazing kiddos. We shared so much laughter and also so many moments for frustration. I already miss them all so much. I made some new friends in getting to know the other teachers. I'm so thankful for the times we spent together talking about everything from teaching to politics to just life in general.

I got to visit some amazing Mayan ruins and visit the beach. I found out that I can, indeed get by in a foreign country on my own. I can live in a world that's kind of hard to live in without all of the luxuries of American life that I am so used to having. And, as it turns out, my Spanish isn't really all that terrible! I can easily communicate with people in most situations.

It's actually going to be quite strange to hear English all around me. I cannot even imagine being able to just go to the tap and get a drink without having to walk to the store to buy drinking water. And driving a car again is going to be just delightful. Not that I mind walking places at all, I actually rather enjoy it. But going anywhere of any distance will be so much easier with a car. And I won't have to see my family and friends on a screen anymore! I am so looking forward to time with my loved ones.

At 8 tonight, I will be back home. Home. That word means so much more when you've been away. It's just so comforting. See you all tonight!

Until then, one last time, much love from Honduras!

Big decisions

Yesterday I made probably the hardest decision I've ever made in my whole life. Yet, I feel so much lighter now that it's made. When I come home for Christmas, I will be staying. Yes, you read that right, I will not be returning to Honduras to finish out the school year. I understand if you're confused by this so I'm going to do my absolute best to explain now so hopefully we can just have a normal Christmas that isn't full of a ton of questions that I'm sure to get tired of answering.

I suppose it's always best to start at the beginning, so here goes. Depression hit me really hard back in April. This is by no means the first time this has happened, so I knew what was happening. In the past the worst bout I'd ever dealt with only lasted about oh, 3 months maybe. When it cropped up this time, I figured it would eventually fade and I'd be feeling better in no time. But days turned into weeks and weeks into months. Before I knew it, it was nearly time for me to move to Honduras and I wasn't feeling any better. If anything, I was feeling worse and worse as time wore on. There were many nights that I asked the questions, "What if things don't get better? What if I can't do this? Should I stay home?" In the end, I obviously decided to stick with my plan. I suppose I was really hoping that the change of pace and such would help out and get me back to feeling normal again.

It wasn't long before I realized that just being here wasn't going to be the thing to change what was happening in my head. I tried a variety of things in hopes of feeling better. Nothing really helped. But I was still very determined to stick it out until June. I couldn't bear the thought of walking out on a commitment I'd made. Couldn't bear the thought of my boss maybe being mad at me for being another foreign teacher to screw her over. Didn't want to be another person who walked out on these great kids who deserve every opportunity to get the best education possible. Not to mention the fact that I really don't want to go. I love my job. I love the kids that I spend each day with. I love feeling like I'm making even a tiny difference in the world. I thought that love would be enough to eventually make things better. I thought I could handle it. No matter how terrible it would be for me, I wasn't what mattered.

But then last week happened and it was absolutely horrid. There came a day that I realized that if I tried to fight it out here, I literally might not live to see June. I realize that's probably a shocking statement, but it's the truth. When you've already been feeling like this for nearly 7 months and the prospect of help is still another 7 or so months away, it feels like it will never end. And no one should have to feel like this for forever. It simply isn't doable, that's why people look for a way out. The hurt gets too much. And I get that. Luckily, I still have the presence of mind to know that the part of my brain that tells me that this is my forever is wrong. There is help out there, I just have to ask for it. I have to put myself first. So that's what's happening.

I fly back into Springfield on December 20th and will do my best to return to the normal life I had before. Honestly, this plan makes my life considerably more difficult as I now have the task of finding a place to live and a car and everything else that I was hoping to save for until June. I'm trying not to stress about that right now, though. I know that all of that will fall into place, as will finding a therapist and psychiatrist who can offer me the help that I need. I know that working through what I've got to work through will by no means be easy, but I do believe it will be worth it 

For a long time I fought the idea of coming home because I thought everyone would see me as a failure. Heck, I would see me as a failure. I am trying to fight that thought though because I know I haven't failed. I have succeeded in fighting against my own mind day in and day out and never losing that war.

Thank you all for supporting me on this amazing journey and I am so glad that I've had the chance to share it with you. I can only hope that you'll continue to stand with me on the considerably less fun leg of my life journey that lies ahead, I'm sure I'll need all support I can get.

Surprise Parties and Exams

Hello all!
I'm sitting here trying to think about what I need to fill you in on from the past couple of weeks but the reality is there just isn't a whole lot that I think is terribly noteworthy. I suppose the new of everything has worn off and I'm really beginning to settle into what feels like a normal life here. Things are becoming routine and I like that.

We had 3 days off school on the 7th, 8th, and 9th and honestly, I was so bored. I can only watch so many movies before I start to go a bit stir crazy. The night of the 9th I went to a barbecue with some friends where we watched the Cardinals/ Cubs game, played some frisbee, and ate together. It was a fun way to bring in my birthday. My birthday itself was super uneventful with the exception of the delicious cheesecake that I had that day. My big birthday surprise came on Monday at school...my kiddos practically pushed me out the door at the beginning of lunch and slammed the door behind me. A bit later, one of them came out the the cafeteria and asked me to please come to the classroom right away. I opened the door to be showered by confetti and shouts of "surprise" followed by a big group hug from my whole class. My 5th graders had worked together to plan quite the party complete with soda, food, a cake, and decorations. I was blown away! I'm sure these sweet kids have no idea how much it meant to me, but it is a memory I will forever treasure.

Classes proceeded as usual last week. 5th grade started long division and at first I was very discouraged because they really weren't getting it. By the end of the week though, they were all flying through the problems we were working on. I just love those moments when you can tell that they're really understanding new concepts. The 6th graders had a math quiz last week and most of them did really well which was super encouraging. In English classes, we've been working on writing and rewriting letters because I'm working on setting up pen pals with a class back home. The kids all seem pretty excited about this so I hope it goes well.

Tomorrow begins exam week. The students have tests in 2 subjects each day and we only have regular classes for half of the day. I'm thinking it will be a fairly easy week from a teaching standpoint as half of the day will be taken up by tests and I'm not introducing any new material while the kids are testing. We'll see I guess.

We've got Folklore Dance Day coming up next Friday and have FINALLY planned our trip to the ruins. I'm really looking forward to experiencing these pieces of Honduran culture. Hopefully I'll even get to learn some dances on Folklore Day!

Well, I suppose that's all I've got for now. Like I said, nothing terribly exciting.
Until next time, much love from Honduras!

When I don't even want to smile...

Another 2 weeks have flown by. I can't actually believe that's it's October already! Where have the past 2 months gone?? Seriously, where? I suppose they've gone to hours and hours of teaching, lesson planning, grading, etc. And that's a good thing. Just the other day, I left school thinking about how much I love my job and how this was definitely the thing that I was meant to be doing. And let me tell you, that is an amazing feeling. So let's recap what's happening in school:

I am enjoying teaching math more than I ever thought possible. If you know much about me at all, you know that math was always my least favorite subject. I have always said I'm terrible at math, but really that's just in comparison to all of the other subjects that I never had to even try to understand (I don't mean that to sound like I'm bragging, at all). There's just something about introducing a new concept and then seeing that ah ha moment on the kids faces when they get it that I absolutely love. The other day I was working with one of my 6th graders who generally struggles a bit and he would call me over after each step of the problem he was working on and ask if it was right. His face absolutely lit up every time I told him it was correct and congratulated him. It literally made my entire day.

We've had some fun in my language classes lately as I decided to take a week off from drilling the grammar concepts in the book. The kids get so bored with the textbook and I can't say I blame them. I know native English speakers who can't tell me how to form the tenses these kids are trying to learn. This week, we learned vocabulary for giving directions and then did activities with said vocabulary. My fifth grade classroom became a town on a grid system and each student go to decide what location their desk would be. We took turns directing each other from place to place. They had such a fun time with this. Perhaps my favorite thing this week was the map project I gave to each class. The students were to make up their own town and draw a map of the town. They could be as creative as they wanted and include whatever they wanted as long as they labeled everything in English and presented to the class in English.

Perhaps the most noteworthy thing I can think of as I sit here writing this is how much I laugh with these kids. They say that laughter is life's best medicine and I think that's the truest thing I have ever heard. If you follow my other blog at all, you may know that I have been at odds with my own mind, if you will, for quite some time now. Coming here in such a state was terrifying, I won't lie to you. Most days I don't want to get out of bed and barely have the motivation to do anything. Just functioning is a struggle. But then something happens when I hear my little 4th grade boys giggling and I ask them what's funny and one of them says to me, "Miss, I am a princess!" and they just crack up laughing and I can't help but bust up right along with them. Or when I hand out a math test and a kid says to me, "Wait, I need this first..." and puts on a bear hat. These kids can make me laugh hysterically when it takes everything in me just to paste a fake smile on. I am so grateful for their ability to do that, it's those little moments that keep me going.

I suppose that's really all I've got for you this evening. Thank you for following along with my journey. Until next time, much love from Honduras to you!

All of the celebrations!

I meant to try and keep this updated each week, but I totally missed last week. My apologies to all of you who are clearly extremely interested in hearing about my life.

Let's see here...on the 10th we had children's day. I honestly find this day a bit strange, as I'm sure most Americans would. I mean, kids have it pretty easy in life as it is. Do they really need a day off school for no other purpose than to play and eat candy? Whatever, Honduras believes that such a day is necessary. Los Pinos decided to celebrate this year by taking the kiddos to the "Aqua Park." It's a glorified pool with some slides and fountains and such, but the kids LOVED it. I really enjoyed splashing around too. We also had pizza and piñatas and, of course, lots of candy. All in all, it was a very enjoyable day and I know the kids enjoyed the treat.

We went back to school on Friday expecting to accomplish nothing. After all, the kids had just spent an entire day swimming the day before and wouldn't have school at all the next week. Little did I expect though that we would actually quite literally not accomplish a thing because we literally had parade practice ALL day long. Those kids marched up and down the road by the school for hours to prepare for independence day. Luckily, Mildred called the buses and sent us all home an hour early. The hard work paid off and all of the students did an absolutely magnificent job in the parade on Monday!

Tuesday we piled 8 adults into an SUV that seats 5 and headed for Omoa for a few days at the beach to celebrate teacher's day which was the 17th. It was a long and uncomfortable drive, but well worth it. We stayed with some of Mildred's family that has a nice, big house there and enjoyed a few days of relaxing at the beach. We also visited the fortress which was super cool. Miss Fanny tried to teach me how to make tortillas. I wasn't very good at it, but it was still a fun learning experience. We also got to teach the Honduran teachers some card games, this was probably my favorite part of the trip. Seeing a 20 year old play slap jack for the first time and get an absolute kick out of it was so much fun!

Now I'm enjoying a quiet weekend. I watched movies all day today and it was fantastic. Tomorrow will be lesson planning then back to the school thing on Monday.

Until next time world, much love from Honduras!

Bucket showers and 4 am fireworks

Sunday morning I rolled out of bed bright and early. I threw my sheets in the washer and settled in on the porch with a cup of coffee and a book while I waited for them to wash. After a lovely breakfast of macheteadas made for us by Mildred, I decided to hop in the shower before we went out for the day. Much to my surprise, in the time between doing laundry and deciding to take a shower, we’d lost running water. No problem though, not the first time I’d had to take a bucket shower.

Sunday day Mildred’s brother took us into Copán. On the way back home he made sure to point out cool Mayan points of interest and different random things to us like a cliff that people like to say is home to a gateway to “the other side.” He even took us to get an up close look at one of the Mayan steles that sit atop a hill overlooking the river. I loved being so close to all that history and cannot wait to explore the ruins park when we finally get around to it.

When my alarmed sounded at 5 on Monday morning, I was really hoping for a real shower. I was pleasantly surprised when I turned the knob and water actually began to flow from my shower head. Most unfortunately, that only lasted until my hair was full of shampoo. Washing all of that shampoo out of my hair on my own with only a bucket of water was a real adventure, but I managed. We didn’t have water again until Tuesday morning which made my unexpected 4:30 am wake-up call that day considerably more bearable.

That’s right, 4:30. What was my wake-up call, you may ask? Fireworks. Because why wouldn’t you set fireworks off in the streets at 4:30 am? It was flag day, after all. And apparently our neighbors are big fans of the holiday. Some of our older students were set to be part of the town’s flag day celebration and Mildred decided to take all of us white folk along so we could enjoy the experience. There were marching bands, dances, color guards, and of course more fireworks. It was a long day of standing in the sun but I really enjoyed it. The greatest part was watching some of our 8^th and 9^th graders perform a dance they had prepared, it was beautiful!

The rest of the week, school progressed on as usual. Thursday morning I got to lead the morning assembly so that was weird. I survived though. And it was really fun to hear a chorus of 108 kids say, “Good morning Miss Jacque, how are you?” They are adorable. The 6^th graders and I are getting along much better. I have realized that the best approach seems to be to teach only a very short mini lesson and then give them lots of time to work in class. They stay more focused that way and I am able to help them one on one when they have questions. I am encouraged each time one of the classes, or even just one kid for that matter, seems to get whatever we’ve been working on. It makes me feel like perhaps I really do have a faint idea of what I’m doing here.

In other news, Thursday evening, we got to cook dinner by candle light because the rain had knocked the power out for a few hours. Luckily we have a gas stove. I always enjoy the nights that we all cook together (which is most nights) but I found it especially fun to do everything in just by the light of a few candles. Unfortunately, none of us really knew any good ghost stories to share, but it would have been the perfect environment for telling them as the lightning cracked outside and we sat in the dim light.

Next week we’ll have children’s day, so only 4 days of actual school and the Independence Day parade the week after. The whole week after the parade we won’t have school and some of the teachers are planning a trip to the beach in Omoa. I’m very excited about the beach! It’ll be October before I realize it and that still seems so crazy to me. Almost seems like just yesterday that I was sitting at the airport surrounded by my family and friends ready to set out on my new adventure.

I’m grateful for each of my new experiences here. Things like having a few days without running water or cooking dinner by candle light when the power is out remind just how very fortunate my life has always been. I think we all need that reminder once in a while, even if we know the realities of the rest of the world, it’s easy to get comfortable in our little corners of the world and remember that  sometimes running water and electricity are huge luxuries to people. We have no water again today, but life marches on in the absence of modern conveniences.

Thank you all for your continued love and support on this journey!

Until next time. Talk to ya later, world!

Time flies and all that...

I kind of can't believe that another week is coming to a close. I really can't believe that I've been here almost a whole month. But 'tis true. I don't really have an awful lot to say this week, but I promised to try and keep this updated for all of you lovely people back home.

Despite the cold I have been fighting the whole time, this week has been great. First thing Monday morning I had a chat with the 6th grade class about how their behavior last week was unacceptable. I told them we would start fresh. We've started working with a daily point system and it seems to help. There are still rough moments, but we're getting along MUCH better than before.

This has definitely been a great opportunity to practice being flexible. For example, one of the math problems the 6th grade class was working with yesterday asked them to write the remainder as a fraction...they didn't understand what a fraction was and were all sure they had never learned fractions. Today's planned math class got pushed back for a quick lesson on fractions. I think they had merely forgotten learning them before because they caught on really fast. But I'm glad we don't have a standardized test to teach to because it gives me the time to go back and reteach things or spend extra time on lesson is we really need to. I've decided I would much rather take longer to make it through things than attempt to race through a textbook and leave half of the class behind.

I'm still not a huge fan of the early mornings, but I'm getting used to it. And the smiles and hearing "Good morning Miss Jacque" from each of the kiddos as they arrive is certainly one of my favorite parts of every day. And getting out of school at 2 is really nice, especially when I'm usually back in bed by 9! Mostly my free time at home is spent working on school things or reading or watching movies. The other day though, we went to the pool after school. That was a nice, relaxing treat! On a touristy note, last weekend we visited Copán to do some shopping at the school supply store and enjoy a nice lunch out together. We also went to a soccer game on Sunday-my first ever soccer game.

There's talk of visiting a school in a rural area tomorrow. And perhaps a visit to some of the Mayan sites on Sunday. We shall see. No matter what, I'm thankful for the weekend and time to recuperate from being sick. Going to school sick when you're the one teaching is way more taxing than when you're the student.

Until next time, world! Thank you for journeying with me!